Halloween Boss voice responses

Voice Responses are contextually triggered lines that play after a player or character has achieved something, for instance killing enemies. Previous Halloween updates have released several Halloween Bosses/characters: the Horseless Headless Horsemann, MONOCULUS, Merasmus, Bombinomicon, and the Mann Brothers Redmond and Blutarch. They each have several vocal responses, all of which are listed below.

Scream Fortress Update (2010)

Horseless Headless Horsemann

Spawn

(Ominous laughter)

Laughter when idle

(Evil laughter) (Deep laughter) (Wicked laughter) (Dramatic laughter)

Attacking

(Loud grunt) (Animalistic grunt) (Happy grunt) (Deep grunt) (Short grunt) (Low grunt)

Boo! Taunt

BOO!

Taking heavy damage

ARGH! UGH! OWW!

Death

(guttural moans and grunts) (sharp grunt) (dramatic scream and death rattle)

Very Scary Halloween Special (2011)

Monoculus

Laughter

HA HA HA HAH! HA HA HA! HAH! (deep booming laughter)

Stunned

(disconcerted moans) (moaning) (deep sigh) (burp) (sharp grunt) (gurgle) (squeal) (deep groan)

Enraged

ARRRR! DAHHHH! UH-ARRR! (grunt)

Teleports

(whoom!)

Taking heavy damage

OWWW!

Death

(moaning) (hiss)

Spectral Halloween Special (2012)

Merasmus

Appears

"I am here!" "I have come!" "Merasmus has risen!" "Cower fools! Merasmus is here!" "Run fools! Run from Merasmus!" "Merasmus the Wizard has come for your souls!" (evil laughter) (wicked laughter) (diabolical laughter) "Soldier! Never anger a magician! "Welcome. To your doom! "DOOM! All of you are doomed!" "Enjoy Halloween mortals, for it will be your last!" "Merasmus arrives on a tide of blood! *sotto voce* Oh hello, Soldier".

Attacking

Lashing out with staff

"Arrr!" "Rarrr!" "Rharr!" "Hah!" "Plah!" "Uh huh hah!" "Rahhh!" "Mortis Attagstah!" "Staffus Attackum!" "Hehrrr!"

Ranged spells

"You cannot run!" "Run fools!" "You're all fools!" "Hurlus bombinus!" "Mortis Longdistimus!"

Summoning bombs

"Bombinomicon! Destroy them!" "By the power...of the Bombinomicon!" "Booooooombinomicon!" "Forbidden book! I unchain thee!" "Cower before the Bombinomicon!" "Beebus Barrasbus Bombinomicon!" "Bombinomicon! Heed my call! "Feel the terror...of reading!" "Feel the terror...of books!" "Heads up!" "Fire in the hole!" "Grenade! (laughter) "(crazed laughter)" "Bombs! So many bombs!" "Magic everyone! Magic!" "Yes! Yes! Perfect!" "Yes! Flee! Flee, cowards!" "(laughter) Run cowards! Run!" "That's right. Run cowards!" "(evil laughter) Run cowards! Run!" "How will you fight me when you're all so scared?" "The fear is inside you!" "Fear me! Poop, poop in your pumpkin pants!"

Time passes without encountering a victim

(maniacal laughter) (jolly evil laughter)

Magic words

"Basbus Brontu!" "Bontu Barsoma!" "Babmo Bibrundo!" "Bravus Abimbus!" "Barbo Cabarto!" "Abo Alabasbas!" "Lesbo Barrabus!" "Barraparraf Brubus!" "Binto Bartum!" "Bemilus Bronte!" "Mictor Ate!"

Magic backfires

"Son of a...!" "Herm!" "Gah!" "Gudah!"

Taking heavy damage

"Uhhhh!" "Ahhhhh!" "Ooohhhhh!" "Dawwwww!" "Oughhhh!"

Player hits Merasmus with headbomb

"Nooo!" "Nooo!" "Yaaah!" "Ahhhh!" "Oh the irony!" "Ahhhh! You're still a fool!" "Ahh!" "Oww! Et tu head bombs?" "Ahhhh!" "Ahhhhhhhh!" "Ah! Back! Stay back you fools!" "Ah! Magic...powerless...against bombs!" "Ooooh! I did not think this through." "Ahh! Well played! Fool." "Nyah! No, don't hit me with it!" "Haaah!" "No, that really hurt!" "Aah! Ghost pain! It's worse than regular pain!" "Bombinomicon! Betrayer!" "Naaah! Oh, Judas book!" "Ahh! Who told you to do that?" "Naaah!" "Ahh! So weak!" "Fool! Your bombs are only making me weaker! (weak laughter) So weak!"

Hiding

Disguised as a prop

"Must hide and heal." "Must hide and heal." "Must hide. Get stronger." "Must hide. Must heal." "Must hide. Must heal." "Merasmus must hide." "Merasmus must hide." "No strength. Must hide." "No! This cannot be the end! Must hide." "Fools! I will come back stronger!" "Fools! Do you not know you deal with the master of hiding!" "Fools! Feel the terror of my hiding!" "You cannot kill me fools! For I am great at hiding!" "The hide-ening! It is here! Okay, need to find a hiding-spot." "Time to play hide-and-seek...your doom!" "Must hide. Get stronger." "You have bested my magic! But can you withstand the dark power...of HIDING!" If players are taking too long to find Merasmus "Demoman! Would you have your eye back? Come find me!" (malevolent laughter) "The longer I hide. The stronger I get." (liltingly) "I'm healing!" (dark laughter) "Muhahaha. I'm healing myself. With healing magic." "Muhahaha. I'm healing myself. With healing magic. And aspirin." (weak laughter) "The longer I hide, the stronger I get." "The fools! They have no idea how strong I'm getting. Or how loud...I'm..talking..." "He he he! I'm getting stronger!" "He he he he! I'm getting stronger!" "Oh life courses back into my ghostly wizard veins!" "Oh hiding heals my battered ghost body! It is a Halloween miracle!" "If you don't find me soon, I'll get so strong I might die of strength (laughs) That's a real thing!" "Fools! A wizard heals himself right under your noses!" "Find me soon. I'm getting super strong and totally healed! (laughs) Hiding is the best!" "Oh I am healing so much hiding as this pumpkin. Oh no! I gave it away! Or did I? So much mystery." "Aah, hiding...healing...I might never come out." "I am hiding, but as what? A pumpkin? A brick! Perhaps a harmless oil drum? Or a brick?" "Come find me! If you dare!" "I'm hiding. But where? So much mystery!" "The terrifying hiding mystery...continues!" "You'll never guess my disguise. It's too cunning!" "Find me! ... Nope! Getting colder!" "Find me! No, getting colder...colder...colder...colder!" "You fools! You will never find me!" "Fools! You'll never find me!" "I am hidden somewhere in this eldritch realm. But where? Where?" "Where could I be?" "Hmmm. Where could the best wizard be hiding?" (evil laughter) "Oh I'm not there." "I'm inside your head!" "Close. You're getting warmer!" "You're close! Oh, so close! Or are you?" "You're close! Oh, you're so close!" "Hmm. Where could I be?" "Where could Merasmus be?"

Found

"Huzzah!" "Surprise!" "Wizard surprise!" "Magic!" "Emergis Exmortis!" "Boo!" "Boo!" "Bulazbo!"

Battle outcomes

Leaves

"Goodbye... Forever!" "Alright, I'm leaving now." "Alright, I'm leaving now." "Goodbye, everyone!" "Well, that was fun. Off I go!" "Alright, goodbye everyone!" "Enough! I leave." "A-ha! Too slow! I leave!" *Evil laugh* "Goodbye, forever!" *Evil laugh* "Goodbye, forever! *sotto voice* I'll see you at home, Soldier." "You have amused Merasmus, but now I must attend to other eldritch buisness. Farewell!" "*Evil laugh* I bid you, farewell!" "Farewell! Happy Halloween, everyone!" "I leave you... to your doom!"

Defeated

"Ach, no!" "You win. No, wait, it's a tie! Argh..." "Aaah!" "Aaah!" "Oooh!" "Nyyaaagh! I hate you so much, Soldier!" "You haven't heard the last of Merasmus the Magician!" "I die, I diieeee... bye Soldier." "I die! Soldier, you were the wooorst roommate!" "I die! I curse this land, for a hundred years!- No! A thousand! Thousand year-oh, I die!" "Noooo!" "Noooo!"

Wheel of Fate outcomes

Spinning the Wheel of Fate

"The wheel spins!" "The wheel spins!" "I spin the Wheel of Fate!" "The Wheel of Fate spins!" "You cannot escape the Wheel of Fate!" "Spin, wheel! Spin!" "Spin the wheel, and seal your fate!" "Yes, spin the wheel, you fools. See what horrors are in store for you." "Prepare to feel the wrath of the Wheel of Fate!" "Yes, spin the Wheel of Fate!" "Your fate... is at hand!" "The Wheel of Fate is a fickle mistress." "The wheel spins!" "(laughter) Your fate is at hand." "The wheel will be your undoing." "Yes... Yes! The wheel!" "Yes... Yes! Fate!" "The wheel! Come on wheel, Merasmus needs this." "The wheel! Come on wheel, you owe me." "The wheel! Come on... Set them all on fire." "The wheel! Come on... Big. Head. Come on, big head."

Big Head fate

"Big heads!" "(laughter) Big head fate! Big head fate!" "I curse your heads... with bigness!" "You cannot escape the terror... of your own giant head!" "Super big heads!" "Plague of head-biggening!" "Big heads! The horror! The horror!"

Small Head fate

"Shrunken heads!" "Tiny heads!" "Teeny, tiny heads! As foretold in prophecy." "Feel the tiny eldritch terror of an itty... bitty... head!" "Like your tiny heads? THANK MAGIC!" "Teeny, tiny heads!"

Super Speed fate

"Super Speed!"

Dance fate

"Dance fools!" "Darkness falls across the land! The dancing hour is close at hand!" "And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to spasmus. For no mere mortal can resist, the magic of Merasmus!" "Dance. Dance! DANCE!" "Plague of dancing!"

Whammy fates

Bleed effect "The bloodening!" "Blood-letting!" "Let the blood flow!" "Blood fate!" "Plague of blood!" Fire effect "Firestorm!" "Fire!" "Fire, yes! Now you're all on fire!" "Fire! Oh, that's a good one!" "Burn fools, burn!" "BURN!" "Burn fools!" "Hellfire!" Rain of Jarate "Jarate!" "Jarate! No magic is beneath Merasmus!" "Jarate! That is what you think it is!" "Rain of waste!" "Jarate! Merasmus is...sorry about this one." "Jarate! Merasmus is...not proud...of this one." "Rain of Jarate!" "Rain of Jarate! (sotto voce) I'm sorry about this." "Jarate!" "Jarate! Jarate for everyone!" "Jarate for everyone! I'm so, so sorry!" Summoning Ghosts "Ghosts!" "Let the haunting... begin!" "Rise, rise from your graves!" "Plague of ghosts!"

Low Gravity fate

"Low gravity!" "Gravity displeases me, so I have removed it!" "Gravity displeases me, so I have removed it! ...Most of it!" "Gravity! I banish thee!" "Bid farewell to your precious gravity!"

Super Jump fate

"Super jumping!" "High jump!"

Guaranteed Critical Hit fate

"It is the crit boostening!"

ÜberCharge fate

"You are GODS! (sotto voice) ...I don't know why I put that on the wheel..." "You are GODS! Magic! It is not an exact science." "Invincible! INVINCIBL- Wait, wait, what?" "Everybody's invincible! Muhahahaha! Fools! Ahahaha... eheh... Hold on..." "You are GODS! Nahahaha... Enjoy your false confidence. It will be your doom!" "You are GODS! Aha, that may seem good, but it will be bad. In the fullness of time." "You are GODS! I... meant to do that. It will go badly for you. You watch." "You are GODS! Wait, no no no no no!" "ÜBERCHARGE!"

Bombinomicon

Attached to player's head

"Ey, buddy! I'm gonna give you a bomb head. Go run at that wizard." "Ey, buddy! I'm gonna give you a bomb head. Go run at that wizard." "I'm gonna give you a bomb head. Go run at that wizard. Oh boy, let's do this!" "Ey, go blow up that wizard for me, eh?" "We don't got a lot of time, run at that wizard, okay?" "Hey, you! Take this! Go run at that wizard, okay? Okay." "Hey, I'm a bomb book! It's pretty good." "You and me, buddy! We're gonna blow that wizard up." "Ey, it's you! Yeah, take this. It's good. You gonna like this bomb head." "Ey, it's me, the Bombinomicon! Oh, man, this is great!" "Ey, buddy, no time to explain! Run at that wizard!" "Pow! Zoop! Run at that wizard!" "Hey, it's me, the bomb book! Run at that wizard! Yeah, let's do it!" "Bombinomicon! Givin' you a bomb head. Oh boy, let's do this!" "Hey, it's me, the Bombinomicon! It's pretty good! Your head's a bomb now! Okay, good luck." "Your head's a bomb now! Okay, good luck." "Your head's a bomb now! Oh, it's really good! Okay, good luck." "Nice head. Now it's a bomb! I'm the greatest!" "Nice head, buddy. Bomb head! It's good stuff." "Ey, you got a head! Great! Now it's a bomb head." "Ey there! Pow! Bomb head! Oh, it's really good. Off I go." "Pow! Bomb head! Off I go." "Ey, buddy! You look like you could use a bomb for a head. Pow! Zoop! Off I go." "Ey, buddy! You look like you could use a bomb for a head. Pow! Zoop! Oh, it's really good." "Bombinomicon! Givin' you a bomb head. It's what I do." "Bombinomicon! Givin' you a bomb head. Ey, it's pretty nice." "Pow! Zoop! Bomb head for you. Your head looks real nice. So long!" "Pow! Zoop! You're gonna like this bomb head!" "Pow! Zoop! Bomb head for you." "Po-po-BAM! Bomb head for you! [laugh] Oh, it's good." "Oh, I hate that wizard. 'Ey! You should go blow him up." "Oh, I HATE that wizard! You should go blow him up." "The wizard! Go blow him up! So long!" "Ey, guy! What's up? Your head's a bomb now. Okay, we're good." "Ey, guy! What's up? Your head's a bomb now. Okay, we're good." "Your head's a bomb now! Okay, good stuff. Good stuff." "Your head's a bomb now! This is gonna be the BEST!" "Givin' you a bomb head! It's what I do." "Man, you got a nice head. Now it's a bomb head." "Po-po-BAM! Your head--it looks real nice."

Held up

"Yeah, let's do this!" "Yeah, let's do it!" "Ey, guys!" "Yeah, sure!" "Sure, why not?" "Okay, let's do this!" "YES! This is the greatest!" "Oh-ho, this is is gonna be good!" "Hey, everybody! I'm the Bombinomicon!" "Oh boy, let's do this!" "Oh boy, let's do this!" "Yeah, let's do it!" "Yeah, yeah!" "Yeah, yeah!" "Oh, this is gonna be the best!" "You got it!" "All right, stand back!" "Good stuff!" "Oh yeah! Get to throw some bombs!" "This is gonna be the best!" "This is gonna be the best!" "Hey, everybody!" "Have some bombs, guys!" "Yeah! Ha-ha!" "Yeah! Ha-ha!" "Here's a whole bunch of bomb stuff!"

Skull Island welcome

"Hey, guys! Beat that wizard, huh? Good stuff, good stuff, buddy." "How do you like this island? Pretty nice, huh? Waterfront property. Yeah, it's mine. Well, it's a timeshare. It's good for romancing the ladies though, no? There's this little cookbook I've been seeing, and--hey, it's pretty nice." "Well, you feel free to poke around, I guess. You know, looks like that's what you're doing anyway, right? [laughs] Feel free to steal everything that isn't nailed down. Hey, I'm a book! What do I need with it?"

Upon getting the Skull Island Topper

"Ah, Merasmus' skull hat. That's gonna look real nice on your head." "Ah, Merasmus' skull hat! Ey, it's pretty nice." "Ah, Merasmus' skull hat! Good choice, buddy. Very nice choice."

Scream Fortress 2013

Redmond

Spells have spawned

"Good! The spells have appeared, just as I planned! Yes... yes! This update almost makes too much sense!" *laughs* "Gather spells while you can!" "Spells! Spells everywhere!" "Gather spells before they disappear!" "Grab the spells and cast them!" "Grab the spells! Cast them on Blutarch's idiot army!" "Spells!"

The Witching Hour begins

"The Witching Hour!" "It's midnight! Gather spells while you can!" "Yes, it's the Witching Hour!" "Yes, the Witching Hour is upon us!" "The Witching Hour! When the wall between worlds grows thin!" "It's midnight! Again!" "The Witching Hour! Again!" "It's midnight again! Gather spells while you can!" "It's midnight again?" "It's midnight! ...Again!" "It's midnight..." *inhales* "Again!"

Hell Island bridge is open

"The bridge is down!" "The bridge, you fools! Get the good magic..." "Hell Island is open! The bridge is down!" "Hurry! Cross the bridge to Hell Island! That's where the good spells are!" "The bridge, you lackeys! I sense great magic..." "The bridge! Across it lies power beyond imagination!" "Don't settle for this paltry stuff! Cross the bridge!" "Hurry! Cross the bridge! Gather up the best spells!"

Enemies have spawned

"Zombies!" "Hell zombies!" "Oh no, werewolves! No, wait... skeletons! Zombies? It doesn't matter, just run!" "Zombies, no! Wait... " *muttering* "Hold on, let me check... Oh god! Hell zombies!" "The Skeleton King! Oh... gravelpits, you are in for it now!" "Oh good, the Skeleton King's he- NO! That's bad!" "It's the Skeleton King!" "We've awoken the Skeleton King!"

Round Start

"This is Redmond Mann speaking from an unspecified location beyond the grave. I may be dead, but as long as you're cashing my checks, you'll damn well do what you're told. And I'm telling you to push my brother to hell!" "It is I, your employer, Redmond Mann, from beyond the grave. I've given you thick-skulled slugs one thing to do for a hundred years now: Shoot each other. Now I'm giving you something even easier to do: Push that cart!" "This is Redmond Mann, and I've got one simple request: Send my brother to hell!" "This is your employer, and I've got a job for you: Send my brother to hell!" "Listen up you reprobates. This is Redmond Mann. That corpse belongs to my idiot brother. Send it to hell!" "Listen up you thugs. This is Redmond Mann speaking. And I've got a job for you: Send my brother to hell!"

Redmond nearing final checkpoint

"Good gravel! I'm almost to hell, you idiots! Do something!"

Blutarch nearing final checkpoint

"Good gravel! You've almost done it!"

Payload Race lost

"No! Noooooooo!" "No! Noooooooooooo!" "I'm taking you to hell with me!" "Damn you Blutarch!" "Happy Hallowee-" *fades off* "Damn you Blutarch!" "Nooooooo-" *fades off* "No! Noooooo!"

Round lost

"No! Nooooo!" *boos*

Payload Race won

"I've done it!" "Yes! Yes yes yes yes! I did it!" "Rot in hell, Blutarch! I win!" "Look at me now, father! I won!" "Mine! All of the Badlands is finally mine!" "After a hundred years, I am the last man standing!" "I won! Wait, where are you all going?" "I won! Now you all can go to hell!" "I won! And just so I don't have to pay you, go to hell!" *laughs*

Round won

"Yes! Yes yes yes yes! I did it!" *victory theme*

Stalemate

"What the gravel am I paying you for?" *stalemate theme*

BLU team in the lead

"Push!" "Puuuush!" "Keep pushing!" "Keep pushing the cart!" "Get to the cart!" "Don't leave the cart!" "Puuuush!" "Puuuuuuush!" "No, you stupid poor people!" "Blast! I should've hired the BLU team!" "We're losing!" "We're behind! Fight harder, you imbeciles!" "They're winning!" "Fight, you nincompoops! They're beating us!" "Biscuits and buncum, we're losing!" "Patswater! They're winning!" "Posspoddle, we're losing!" "Pissdumplings! They're beating us!" "Hogwater, we're losing!" "Boggarbottom! We're losing!" "Why is my brother not in hell yet?" "What am I paying you for? Push my brother to hell!" "Wait a minute... Am I closer to hell than my brother?" "Why is my brother winning?" "You charlatans promised me you'd send my brother to hell!" "Damn it all, get that ratstink carcass to hell! Or by gravel, I will end you!" "What the gravel am I paying you for?" "You unwashed reprobates! It's not gravel science!" "Damn you Blutarch!"

RED team in the lead

"Yes! Yes! Yes yes yes!" "Yes, that's it! Push!" "We're winning! Push!" "Good, good!" "Yes!" "Perfect!" "Sweet mother of gravel, we're winning!" "Whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it!" "Whatever it is you're doing, it's working!" "We're winning! Do you hear me, Blutarch! I'm winning!" "I'm doing it! I'm finally actually really doing it! I am the best man!" "I'm winning! And you're losing, Blutarch! I will be the last man standing!" "How do you like those ghostly apples, Blutarch? No need to answer. They are bitter, tart ash in your mouth, I'm sure of it! Yes, yes, yes yes yes..." "We're winning! Do you hear me, Blutarch? The Badlands are mine!" "We're winning! Do you hear me, Blutarch? I'm the best son!" "I'm doing it! I'm sending you to hell, Blutarch!" "Yes! I should've died years ago!" "Yes! All of my beautiful ghost plans are being realized!" "We're winning! Getting stabbed nine times in the heart was the greatest thing to ever happen to me!" "Yes! Sending my brother to hell was my best idea since the pregnancy machine! ...Which isn't off the table, by the way."

Blutarch

Spells have spawned

"Gather spells while you can!" "Spells! Get them before they disappear!" "Gather spells before they disappear!" "Spells! They've spilled out of the hellhole!" "Spells! Spells everywhere!" "Grab the spells and cast them!" "Grab the spells! Cast them on Redmond's idiot army!"

The Witching Hour begins

"The Witching Hour!" "It's midnight!" "Yes! It's the Witching Hour!" "Yeeees! The Witching Hour is upon us." "The Witching Hour! When the wall between worlds grows weak and withered!" "It's midnight. Again!" "It's midnight again. Oh, I hate this holiday!" "It's happening again!" "It's happening again!" "It's midnight! Again!" "It's midnight again?" "It's midnight again!" "It's midnight! Again!" "It's midnight again!"

Hell Island bridge is open

"Cross the bridge!" "The bridge is down!" "The bridge, you fools!" "The bridge, you lackeys!" "Hell Island is open! The bridge is down!" "Hurry! Cross the bridge to Hell Island! Get the good magic!" "Hurry! Cross the bridge! Gather up the best spells!" "The bridge! Across it lies power beyond imagination!" "Don't settle for this paltry stuff! Cross the bridge!"

Enemies have spawned

"The hell is happening now?" "What's happening down there?" "What the gravel is happening down there?" "Aw, no! Zombies!" "Zombies!" "Hell zombies!" "Oh no, werewolves! No, wait... skeletons! Zombies? It doesn't matter, just run!" "Hell zombies! Oh gravelpits, you are in for it now!" "Zombies, no! Wait... Hold on, let me check it... Oh god! Hell zombies!" "Oh no, it's the Skeleton King!" "Oh good, the Skeleton King's here." "It's the Skeleton King!" "Run! It's the Skeleton King!" "It's the Horseless Headless Horsemann!" "The Skeleton King! Ah gravelpits, you are in for it now!"

Round Start

"Listen up, you thugs. This is Blutarch Mann speaking. I may be dead, but as long as you're cashing my checks, you'll damn well do what you're told. And I'm telling you, from beyond the grave, to push my brother to hell! Until I tell you to stop!" "It is I, your employer, Blutarch Mann. From beyond the grave! I've given you thick-skulled slugs one thing to do for a hundred years now: Shoot each other! Now I'm giving you something even easier to do: Push my brother to hell!" "This is Blutarch Mann speaking. That corpse belongs to my idiot brother. Send it to hell!" "This is Blutarch Mann, with one simple request: Send my brother to hell!" "This is Blutarch Mann speaking. Push! That! Cart!

Blutarch nearing final checkpoint

"Good gravel! I'm almost to hell, you idiots! Do something!" "You charlatans promised me you'd send my brother to hell!" "No, you stupid poor people!" "Blast! I should've hired the RED team!" "Damn it all, get that ratstink carcass to hell! Or by gravel, I will end you!" "What the gravel am I paying you for?"

Redmond nearing final checkpoint

"Good gravel! You've almost done it!" "Whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it!" "Whatever it is you're doing, it's working!" "I'm doing it! I'm finally actually really doing it! I am the best man!" "I'm winning! And you're losing, Redmond! I will be the last man standing!" "How do you like those ghostly apples, Redmond? No need to answer. They are bitter, tart ash in your mouth, I'm sure of it! Yes yes yes..." "I'm doing it! I'm sending you to hell, Redmond! I'm the best brother!" "Yes! All my beautiful ghost plans are being realized!" "We're winning! Getting stabbed nine times in the heart was the greatest thing to ever happen to me!" "Yes! Sending my brother to hell was my best idea since the pregnancy machine! ...Which isn't off the table, by the way." "We're winning! Do you hear me, Redmond? The Badlands are mine!" "We're winning! Do you hear me, Redmond? You're going to hell!"

Payload Race lost

"No! Noooooooo!" "Bleaaaaaaaaaaah Redmond!" "Daaaaaaaaah!" "Well I tried." "I'm taking you to hell with me!" "You're all comin' with me!" "Noooooooo-" *fades off* "Bleaaaaaaaaaaah Redmon-" *fades off*

Round lost

"No! Noooooooo!" *boos*

Payload Race won

"I've done it!" "Yes! Yes yes yes!" "Yes, yes yes yes! I did it!" "I won!" "Rot in hell, Redmond! I win!" "Mine! All of the Badlands is finally mine!" "I am the last man standing!" "Wait! Where are you all going?" "I won! Now you all can go to hell!" "I won! And just so I don't have to pay you, you all can go to hell!" *long laughter* *coughing* "Go to hell!" *laughing*

Round won

"Yes! Yes yes yes!" *victory theme*

Stalemate

"What the gravel am I paying you for?" *stalemate theme*

RED team in the lead

"Push!" "Keep pushing the cart!" "Push the cart!" "Get to the cart!" "Don't leave my brother!" "Push my brother!" "Hell is that way! Push!" "Drag your knuckles to that cart, you thick-browed member of the servant class!" "Do you have any idea what ungodly sum I'm paying you vagrants to push a corpse a hundred feet?" "All you have to do is push a haunted corpse on a railcart into a gaping hell-mouth! It's not gravel science." "Keep pushing!" "Puuuush!" "We're losing!" "We're behind!" "They're trouncing us!" "Biscuits and buncum, we're losing!" "Barnbiscuits, we're behind!" "We're losing!" "Hogwater, we're losing!" "Pissdumplings! They're winning!" "Posspuddle... We're losing!" "What am I paying you for?! Get my brother to hell!" "Why is my brother not in hell yet?" "Wait a minute... Am I closer to hell than my brother?" "Fight harder, you imbeciles!" "Fight, you nincompoops!" "Damn you Redmond!"

BLU team in the lead

"Yes! Yes yes yes yes!" "Yes, that's it! Push!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Good, good!" "Perfect!" "Sweet mother of gravel, we're winning!" "We're winning! Do you hear me, Redmond? I'm winning!" "Yes! I should've died years ago!"

Unknown condition

"This update almost makes too much sense!" *laughing* "It all makes perfect sense!" "What the gravel am I paying you for? I'll tell you: I'm not! Unless you get my brother to hell!" "All you have to do is send my brother's haunted corpse to hell, then run across a bridge to an enchanted island every time the clock strikes midnight every one and a half minutes to get powerful spells you can use to defeat your enemy, who will be doing the exact same thing, but with my haunted corpse! My only worry is this update makes too much sense." "I am speaking to you from the great beyond! But make no mistake, my lawyers are still on Earth, and they will prosecute if you do not fulfill your contract. In fact, they're right over there in that evil castle! That's right! They built a terrifying mansion from which to conduct their day business!" *chuckle* "I sense a disturbance in the force... Hold on. Okay, I'm back. My lawyers tell me I'm sensing nothing."

Mann Brothers

Arguing

(Redmond) "Spells! Don't pick them up, they're all poison!" (Blutarch) "Don't listen to my idiot brother, get them!" (Blutarch) "Spells! Don't pick them up, they're all poison!" (Redmond) "Don't listen to my idiot brother, get them!" (Redmond) "Send my ratstink brother to hell!" (Blutarch) "Don't listen to him, send MY imbecile brother to hell!" (Redmond) "What? No! No!" (Blutarch) *short laugh* (Redmond) "I hope you'll enjoy hell, Blutarch!" (Blutarch) "Yes, I'll enjoy staring down at it, from heaven! While you BURN, brother!" (Redmond) "Noooo!" (Blutarch) *short laugh* (Redmond) "That gravel... It will be mine, Blutarch!" (Blutarch) "There is no gravel where you're going, brother!" (Redmond) "Oh? And where is that, exactly?" (Blutarch) "Hell, Redmond!" (Redmond) "What?" (Blutarch) "What do you think is going on here?" (Blutarch) "Send my brother to hell!" (Redmond) "What? No! Don't do it!" (Blutarch) "DO do it!" (Redmond) "No!" (Blutarch) "Continue doing it!" (Redmond) "Nooooooo!" (Redmond) "Send my brother to hell!" (Blutarch) "Don't do it!" (Redmond) "Do do it!" (Blutarch "No!" (Redmond) "Continue doing it!" (Blutarch) "Nooooooo!" (Redmond) "BLU team! Stop fighting! My brother and I call truce!" (Blutarch) "Shut up, Redmond!" (Redmond) *laughing* (Blutarch) "Keep fighting! Don't listen to my idiot brother!" (Blutarch) "RED team! Stop fighting! My brother and I call truce!" (Redmond) "Shut up, Blutarch!" (Blutarch) *laughing* (Redmond) "Keep fighting! Don't listen to my idiot brother!" (Redmond) "Look at your corpse, brother. As ugly in death as you were in life, so shriveled and red..." (Blutarch) "That's you, you imbecile!" (Redmond) "What? No!" (Redmond) "Send him to hell! Who's the idiot brother now, brother?" (Blutarch) "You, Redmond!" (Redmond) "Nooooo!" (Blutarch) "Ha ha ha! I've turned it around on you!" (Redmond) "I'll see you in hell, brother!" (Blutarch) "Only one of us is going to hell, Redmond!" (Redmond) "Then I suppose I won't see you in hell, brother!" (Blutarch) "I'm afraid I'll be the one not seeing you!" (Redmond) "We shall see." (Blutarch) "I won't!" (Redmond) "The Witching Hour is over!" (Blutarch) "Don't listen to him!" (Redmond) *laughing* (Blutarch) "It's just beginning! It is the Witching Hour!" (Blutarch) "The Witching Hour is over!" (Redmond) "Don't listen to him!" (Blutarch) *laughing* (Redmond) "It's just beginning! It is the Witching Hour!" (Redmond) "I'm doing it, father! I'm winning!" (Blutarch) "Don't listen to him, father! It's still anyone's game right now!" (Blutarch) "I'm doing it, father! I'm winning!" (Redmond) "Don't listen to him, father! It's still anyone's game right now!" (Redmond) "Do you feel the flames of hell yet, brother?" (Blutarch) "I do, brother! It is the heat of victory!" (Redmond) "What? No! I feel it too! I only feel it!" (Blutarch) "Yes! Pushing! I'm a tactical genius!" (Redmond) "What? I invented pushing years ago!" (Blutarch) "The only thing you invented years ago was losing to me right now!" (Redmond) "Noooooo!" (Blutarch) *laughing* (Blutarch) "Dear Lord! This is Blutarch Mann speaking!" (Redmond) "And Redmond." (Blutarch) "Shut up, Redmond, I'm praying! Lord, please send my brother to hell. Amen." (Redmond) "Lord, wait! Whatever he's praying to you for, I'll double it." (Blutarch) "No!" (Redmond) "Ha ha ha ha! I win at praying, brother." (Redmond) "Blutarch, we're family. Tell you what, on the count of three, let's both apologize and go to heaven. One, two, three. I'm-" (Blutarch) "I'm sorry. No!" (Redmond) *laughing* (Blutarch) "I meant I'm sorry that I'm sending you to hell!" (Redmond) "No!" (Blutarch) "And I'm not! Sorry!" (Blutarch) Knock knock." (Redmond) "Who is it?" (Blutarch) "Redmond, it's Blutarch! This is a knock knock joke! Open this door at once!" (Redmond) "No thank you." (Blutarch) "Redmond, I assure you I will make it worth your while. Now knock knock" (Redmond) "Who is it?" (Blutarch) "It's your brother Blutarch! Now for God's sake let me in! Someone's trying to send me to Hell!" (Redmond) "I'm trying to send you to Hell. *laughs* (Blutarch) "Good Lord! That changes everything! I'll finish the joke later!" (Blutarch) *giggling* (Redmond) "What's so funny, brother?" (Blutarch) "Oh, I'm just thinking about all the gravel I'll have when you're gone." (Redmond) "And where do you intend to get all this gravel in hell, brother? While I'm on Earth, which is virtually made of gravel?" (Blutarch) "The devil! I plan to trade him all your gravel for it!" (Redmond) *gasps* "Don't you dare, Blutarch!" (Blutarch) "Yes! Yes! Send my brother to hell!" (Redmond) "Wait, what was that?" (Blutarch) "I'm not talking to you, Redmond. I'm talking to the mercs!" (Redmond) "My mercs? Don't you dare! They've got a job!" (Blutarch) "Come on brother. What could they possibly be doing?" (Redmond) "Sending you to hell, Blutarch!" (Blutarch) "What? RED team! Stop what you're doing!" (Redmond) "Belay that order, RED team!" (Redmond) "Yes! Yes! Send my brother to hell!" (Blutarch) "Wait, what was that?" (Redmond) "I'm not talking to you, Blutarch. I'm talking to the mercs!" (Blutarch) "My mercs? Don't you dare! They've got a job!" (Redmond) "Come on brother. What could they possibly be doing?" (Blutarch) "Sending you to hell, Redmond!" (Redmond) "What? BLU team! Stop what you're doing!" (Blutarch) "Belay that order, BLU team!" (Redmond) "You there! BLU team! I'll double what my ratstink brother is paying you!" (Blutarch) "You imbecile!" *shuffling noise* (Blutarch) "This is what I'm paying them!" (Redmond) "Geh! Never mind!" (Blutarch) "You there! RED team! I'll double what my ratstink brother is paying you!" (Redmond) "Blutarch!" *shuffling noise* (Redmond) "This is what I'm paying them!" (Blutarch) "Ah! Never mind!" (Redmond) "Look at me now, father!" (Zepheniah Mann) "You did great, son." (Redmond) "Yes, yes! Yes yes yes!" (Zepheniah) "Gray is still my favorite though." (Redmond) "What? No!" (Blutarch) "Look at me now, father!" (Zepheniah) "You did great, son." (Blutarch) "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" (Zepheniah) "Gray is still my favorite though." (Blutarch) "No! Noooo!"

Bombinomicon

Hell Island welcome

"Welcome to Hell! Now fight to the death. Whaddya gonna do?" "Hey, welcome to Hell! Holy crap, it's you guys! Hey, you guys. Hey, pow zoop. Fight to the death." "Hey, it's me, the Bombinomicon. Guess what, guys? You're in Hell! It's good stuff. You're gonna like it here! Okay, now fight to the death." "Hey, welcome to Hell! How are you guys doing? That's great, now fight to the death." "Hey hey! You made it! Welcome to Hell. Free stuff for everybody...who is still alive in a minute. Hey, it's Hell, what are ya gonna do?" "Hey, it's me, the Bombinomicon. Guess what, guys? You're in Hell. It's good stuff. You're gonna like it here." "Hey hey! It's me, the Bombinomicon. Guess what? I'm the Devil! Now fight to the death." "Hey hey! It's me, the Bombinomicon. I'm the Devil now, welcome to Hell." "Hey guys, up here! It's me, the bomb book, from last year! Welcome to Hell! Okay, now fight to the death." "Hey, welcome to Hell! How are you guys doing? That's great, now fight to the death." "Hey, it's you guys! Hey, guess where you are? Hell! Yes, pretty good." "Guess what guys? You're in Hell. It's good stuff, you're gonna like it here! Now fight to the death." "Hey, it's me the Bombinomicon. Bad news, you're in Hell. Good news, I'm the Devil! Hey, pow zoop." *laughs merrily* "Fight to the death" "Hey hey, guys, it's me, the bomb book! Welcome to Hell! Okay, now fight to the death." "Hey, it's you guys! Welcome to Hell! Pow zoop! Go crazy nuts." "Hey, it's me the Bombinomicon. You guys gonna have a lot of fun in Hell. It's Hell, everybody likes it! Fight to the death." "Hey hey! It's me, the Bombinomicon. I'm the Devil now." (laughs eagerly) "Fight to the death." "Hey, it's me, the Bombinomicon. Guess what, I'm the Devil! Welcome to Hell." "Holy crap, it's you guys! Welcome to Hell! Hey hey! You brought me a soul. Nice work guys. Now I just need nine more. Let's go." "Hey, it's me, the Bombinomicon. Welcome to Hell. Hey, pow zoop, fight to the death."

Hell Island battle end

"Hey, there you are. Here's a gift." "Hey, you made it." "There he is. Here's some free crap." "Hey, you won! Grab some stuff. It's free." "Get up here, steal anything you like. You're in Hell! How much worse could it get?" "Okay guys, first come first serve." "Happy Halloween, you knuckleheads." "Hey, you did it. Get up here, grab some free crap, you earned it." "Hey, you're the best! All right, grab some free crap and get out of here. I got a lot of devil stuff to do. Pow zoop!" "Oh oh man, that was quick! You guys are some bad dudes! All right, here are some parting gifts, cause you gotta go." "Okay, let's go guys! I gotta close up Hell. It's not a 7-Eleven." (laughs) "Grab some gifts before you go, bye you guys!" "Ooh, that did not take long, you guys are some crazy nuts guys, let me tell you! Okay let's see here. Oh yeah, got some gifts for you." "Okay, we'll talk here for a minute guys. You, you guys are the real heroes of Hell. Here, I have bunches of gifts. Go ahead with the serving." "Okay, good stuff, now get out of here you knuckleheads!" (whispering) "I love you guys." "Man, they're going to make you guys the Devil!" (laughs evilly) "Not really though, because that's me and I'm the best. Go ahead and have some gifts and get out of here, you crazy guys." "Guys, guys guys guys. Let me get real with you for a minute. This is why I got into the Devil business. You, you crazy nuts guys, tearing each other apart like animals." (tearfully) "I think I got a burning cinder in my eye or something. Get some gifts and get out of here you nuts." "Okay, good stuff! Get up here, grab a gift, the Devil's a little busy here. I got to go rig an election with Quebec. A local election, but you know, I'm the Devil. I've got to sweat the small stuff." "Okay good, you're done! Man I hate goodbyes. Luckily we're in Hell, so nobody ever gets to leave." (laughs jubilantly) "Except you guys! You guys are so special, guys. Oh good, I got some special gifts! Then you gotta go." "Oh man, that was great, you guys! Man, we are all having a go- Well, not everybody. But we are having a good time in Hell, ah? Good times, yes. Good Hell times. Grab your gifts!" "Oh man, you guys are some scary bad dudes, I'm so scared!" (chuckles) "Come on, I'm the Devil! You kidding me? Take your free crap and get out of here."

Unknown Conditions

"Hey, you brought souls! Good stuff, you guys are the best." "Keep fighting, it's cool stuff!" "Hey hey, kill each other! Oh you guys are the best. Not you Sniper." "Man, you guys are the best at Hell. I should know, I'm the Devil." "Man, I'm good being the Devil. See all that fire? That was my idea." "Everybody, take a knee. Dear God, thank you for making me the Devil, and putting all these great guys in Hell. Pow zoop!" "Why don't you stay a while? Stay forever!" (laughs evilly) "I'm kidding." (whispers) "You guys are going to have go pretty soon." "Man, you guys are really killing each other. I'm the Devil, and I think it's pretty gruesome." "Man, I'm such a good Devil. They'll have to give me a hell-raise!" (laughter) "I am cracking myself up down here." "Hey, look at us. We all die together, in Hell. Yeah, it's pretty good." "So, trick or treat, ah? What are you guys supposed to be? Man everybody got a good costume this year. Come on up here and get some free crap." "One, two... Oh, man, there's a lot of you. Tell you what, thin the herd a little. I'll give you some gifts." "Oh, I got some good stuff for you guys, look at all this!" "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" (laughs maliciously) "It's not me, we're in Hell." "Man, you guys got some nice souls. Tell you what, you kill each other, anybody who is still alive is gonna get some good stuff." "Hey, when you go back to Earth, make sure you tell everybody I'm the Devil now. Oh I'm gonna be famous. Oh, I'm gonna be more famous than Lord of the Rings!" "Oh! Look at all this great crap I got here! How am I going to use all this crap? You guys should take some. I insist! You guys are the best." "You guys, hey, you guys! Be brutally honest, am I the best Devil?" *pause* "Ah! I knew it!" *joyous laughter* "Hell is so great, you guys." "Ah ha, that's right, killing each other!" (eager laughter) "Aw man, it makes me feel good to see you guys having so much fun." "So, how have you guys been doing? Soldier, still have that stupid wizard for a roommate? Oh, that guy, I could tell you some- You know what? You keep fighting, we catch up later." "Hey, you brought souls! Good stuff, you guys are the best." "Let me tell you, you guys are like the Tom Jones of tearing a dude's face off. That's not me talking, that's Tom Jones. Yeah, he down here. Tom, say something!" (laughs maliciously) "Who am I kidding? He's choking on a bottle of molten deer poop." "Okay, twist ending guys. Here comes the big twist! I'm an angel, and we're in Heaven!" (laughter) "This was a test all along!" (more laughter) "No, I'm pulling your leg, there is no Heaven. There is Hell in every direction."

Merasmus

Eternaween Activated

"I am Merasmus! And this...is Eternaween!" "Happy Halloween mode!" "It's Eternaween! The eternal Halloween!" "Your calendar's not broken, it's your mind! Halloween mode!" "It is I, Merasmus! Say...does anyone on this server love Halloween?! Halloween mode!" "It's Eternaween! The eternal Halloween! As foretold by Discount Costume Warehouse! Awooo!" "Hello, it is I, Merasmus! Happy Halloween, everybody! FOREVER!!" "Welcome to T-G-I-Halloween, where it's always Halloween! I'm Merasmus, your server! We have a couple of lovely specials tonight: ONE OF THEM IS YOUR OWN DEATH! The other is loaded tuscan flatbread." "It is I, Merasmus! Welcome...to Halloween mode!" "I am Merasmus! And this...is Eternaween! The eternal Halloween!" "It's Eternaween! The eternal Halloween! Your calendar...has gone insane!" "Halloween mode! It's the devil's business!" "It's Halloween! FOREVER!!"

Scream Fortress VI (2014)

Setup time

"Five." "Four!" "Three!" "Two!" "One!"

Match Start

"Greeting mortals! It is I, Merasmus! Do you think you've got what it takes to try the world's biggest strongman game? Because you don't! It's too big! No mortal is strong enough! (laughter) It was an unwise investment!" "Welcome fools, to your doom! It is I, Merasmus! Behold! An ancient Sumerian strongman game! It is old! It it evil! And it is not free! Have your tickets ready." "Hello fools! It is I, Merasmus! Step right up, if you dare, and test your collective might against the world's biggest strongman game! Are you strong enough to discover how weak you are? If you don't buy a ticket, you'll never know!" "Greetings mortals! It is I, Merasmus! I see you brought your guns! But are they big enough to best my ancient Sumerian strongman game? There's only one way to find out: get your tickets!" "It is I, mortals, Merasmus the wizard! Welcome to my dark carnival of the macabre! Admit One...to MADNESS! (laughter) Step right up and test your measly might on my Strongmann Game of the Damned!" "Good evening, mortals! Welcome to Merasmus' circus berzekus! My big top of beastly abominations! My carnival of carnage! (laughter) Test your miserable might on my infernal Strongmann Machine! (laughter)" "Welcome mortals to my Magic Kingdom!...which is unaffiliated with any other Magic Kingdom that may or may not exist. Step right up and get your tickets from me! For I am the Ticket Master!...again, not a term Merasmus officially owns." (See: Magic Kingdom and Ticketmaster) "It is Halloween! The time of year when the doorways between our world and the next swing wide! That...and President's Day. That's still only two times! So you've got to pick your battles if you're Merasmus!" "Greetings mortals...and こんにちは! Yes, Merasmus is learning Japanese...in the likely event that he will have to beg for his life! Why? Well, therein lies a tale of horror! Short version: Merasmus owes $12,000 to the Japanese Mafia!" (Translation: "konnichiwa" (good afternoon)) "A harvest moon hangs pendulously in the sky, mortals! That's right, the moon's giving us the green light for harvesting! Apropos of nothing, I hope you all brought your souls! (laughter) And money. Because Merasmus has sunk a lot into this circus." Upon return "Merasmus!" Upon second return "Merasmus!"

Preparing to capture the Tickets

"Yes, yes! Kill everyone! Kill anyone! Kill everything that isn't dead!"

Tickets spawn

"'Get your Tickets! If you dare!" "Tickets are now on sale, mortals!" "Step right up and get your Tickets! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha!" "Get your Tickets! (laughter) Awoo! Hoo hoo!" "Tickets are available for pickup!" "Get your Tickets, fools!" "(maniacal laughter) Hurry! Get your Tickets!" "Get your Tickets...If you dare!" "Tickets are now available!" "Step right up and get your Tickets! (cackling)" Nagging "Go! Get the Tickets!" "The Tickets are waiting, mortals!" "Why has nobody claimed their Tickets!" "Go get the Tickets!" "The Tickets are waiting, mortals!"

Tickets respawn

"Tickets are on sale again!" "Tickets are available for pickup again!" "The Tickets are back!" "The Tickets...Have Returned!" "The Tickets are back! Go get them!" "The Tickets have returned! What are you waiting for?"

Tickets taken by player/ally

"You've got the Tickets! Get them to the Strongmann!" "You've got the Tickets! Get them to the top of the Strongmann!" "You've got the Tickets! Get them to the lift!" "You have the Tickets! Now get to the ride!" "The Tickets are yours! Now, get to the top of the ride!" "You've got the Tickets! Get them to the top of the lift!" "The Tickets are yours! Now get to the ride!"

Tickets taken by enemy

"Fools! The enemy has the Tickets!" "Fools! The enemy has taken the Tickets!" "They've got the Tickets!" "They've got the Tickets! Kill them!" "They've got the Tickets! Kill them!"

Tickets dropped by player/ally

"Your team has dropped your Tickets!" "Your team dropped the Tickets!" "You team just dropped the Tickets!" "Your team has dropped your Tickets!"

Tickets dropped by enemy

"Hurry! They've dropped the tickets!" "Fools! The enemy dropped the Tickets!" "The enemy has dropped the Tickets!" "Hurry! They've dropped the Tickets!"

Player/ally is riding the Strongmann

"We are about to launch the rocket!"

Enemy is riding the elevator

"Hurry! The enemy is about to launch the rocket!"

Suitcase delivered by player/ally

"Success. We have delivered the Australium."

Suitcase delivered by enemy

"No! The enemy has delivered the Australium."

Rocket Launched by player/ally

"Yes! Yes! We've launched the rocket!"

Rocket Launched by enemy

"No! They've launched the rocket!"

General Purpose

"Yes!"

Necromasher

Successful Crush

"Necro-mashed!" "Got you!" "Ha!" "Hah!" "Merasmus!" "Not so fast!" "You fool!" "Think fast!" "For Bonzo!" "EVIL!"

Miss

"Damn you!" "Get back here!" "Next time!" "I had you!" "No!" "I'll give you that one!" "Wait! Come back!" "Wait, let me try that again." "SO CLOSE!" "Oh, I almost got you." "Oh ho ho, you're good!" "I SPARED you! On purpose!"

Curses

Spell Effect Imminent

"Incoming spell!" "Spell coming at you!" "Incoming spell, mortals!" "Incoming spell!" "Incoming spell!"

Big Head

"Big heads!" "Big heads! (wicked laughter)" "Big balloon heads! Haha! Hilarious!" "'Big balloon heads! Ahhh! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Merasmus, you've done it again!" "Cranius Giganto!" "Big heads for everybody!" "Balloon Head spell! And that's just a taste of the spells I've been cooking up! Merasmus's getting a lot of buzz from some pretty big magical universities right now. I don't want to name drop...Hogwarts is very interested!" (See: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry) "Balloon Heads! Just a little spell I cooked up last night. Oh what's that, Gandalf? You can't make people's heads into balloons? Ah ha ha! Well maybe you should cry hot tears into your stupid beard, because Merasmus is the best!" (See: Gandalf) "Full disclosure: I've just filled your heads with eight gallons of pickle brine! Wait, wait, wait, before you jump down my throat, you should know, it didn't cost me a thing!" "This is one of those glass-half-empty scenarios! Downside, yes I just inflated all of your heads! Upside though, because I don't want you to worry, my head is fine." "Now what I've done here is inflate your head then fill the cavity with rotten garbage. I think I speak for everyone when I say, 'Damn you Merasmus! (claps!) You've done it again! Home run!'"

Melee Only

"No guns!" "No guns! (laughter)" "No guns! (maniacal laughter)" "Nonus artilleriso!" "No guns!" "Merasmus talks about guns like you ain't got none, mortals! That's because I sold them all! (laughter)" "Your precious Second Amendment won't help you now, Soldier. No guns! For anyone!" (See: Second Amendment of the Bill of Rights) "Merasmus banishes your guns! (laughter) This isn't a Second Amendment thing by the way, it's non-politically motivated evil!" "Merasmus banishes your guns to the nether realms! Forever! Or perhaps only momentarily! Merasmus printed this spell off the Internet!"

Submerging the area in Jarate

"Underwater!" "Underwater!" "Underwater! (laughter)" "Underwater! (cackling)" "Sumarinus Jaratitos!" "Under-water!" "Swim mortals! Swim underwater until I... Oh. Oh, no! That's, that's not water, is it? Oh. Merasmus is so very, very sorry." "Swim for Mersasmus' amusement, mortals! (laughter) Oh. Oh no! That is...that is not water. Uh, Merasmus, all...well all Merasmus can do is apologize." "An ocean of water descends upon you. Drown mortals! Drown in...in... Hmm. Ok, all cards on the table, that was supposed to be water. I'm so sorry."

Bumper Cars Mini-games

Setup

"Yes! Bump! Bump your padded cars to a padded grave!" "The precious padding of your bumpy cars can't save you now! Unless you have padding on your very souls!" "Bump, mortals! Bump for Bonzo's amusement! He is easily entertained! Ah ha ha ha ha!" "These bumper cars have no brakes! A) Because they move relatively slowly, but B) Because there are no rules!" "Don't forget to buckle-up mortals! Oh wait, there's no seat-belts! (laughter) Enjoy your five-mile-an-hour death ride!" "Bump away in these bumper cars, fools! Bump yourselves to madness!" "These are no normal bumper cars! They will bump you to the edge of sanity itself!" "Go for a spin, mortals, in my smack carts of the black arts! My scream machines! My bumper cars! (laughter)" "Strap in mortals to my vile vessels of vehicular villainy! My damnation wagons! My bumper scars! (laughter)" "Take a seat mortals in my murder machines of malevolent mayhem! My hearses with curses! My bumper scars!" "I hope none of you are pregnant or have an existing heart condition! Because you about to be jostled like you've never been jostled before!" "Welcome, mortals to my stationary cars! Oh no wait, they're bumper cars! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha! Get ready for the bumping of your life!" "Go ahead and try the brakes! They won't work! You're trapped in a runaway bumper car! Strap in for a five-mile-an-hour Hell ride!" "Don't fall off the track, mortals! Bonzo's hungry tonight! Especially for you, Spy! Bonzo loves French food!" "I'd love to join you down there, mortals, but I have a heart condition and the rules are clearly posted. I'm with you, it's ridiculous. Write your congressman!" "I don't want to scare you, but bumper cars aren't meant to go this fast! (laughter) That's right, they're non-OSHA-compliant! Awoooo!" (See: OSHA) "Strap in mortals to my thumper cars! They're not as fast as actual cars, but faster than a bumper car is meant to go! So...that's... still pretty scary!"

Duck Hunt

Setup

"Welcome to the Looting Gallery!" "Welcome to the Looting Gallery! (laughter)" "Welcome, mortals, to the Looting Gallery!" "Welcome to the Looting Gallery! Collect Ducks to win! Kill the other team to win! Do whatever! It takes! To win! Because believe me, you don't want to lose!" "Welcome to the Looting Gallery, mortals! Whoever gets the the most Ducks wins! Whoever gets the least ducks, does not win! I'm assuming that you're all a little dim, so Merasmus is laying this out as simply as possible." "Welcome to the Looting Gallery! The team that captures the most prizes wins! The team that pushes the other team off the track, shrieking to their deaths, also wins! But much, much faster!"

Bonus Ducks from crashing into an enemy player

"Bonus Ducks!" "Bonus Ducks!" "Bonus Ducks!"

Ducks have moved

"I've moved the Ducks!" "I've moved the Ducks!" "The Ducks have moved, mortals!" "The Ducks... have moved. mortals!" "Now the Duck are over here!" "The Ducks...HAVE MOVED!" "The Ducks have moved elsewhere!" "Now the Ducks...are over there!" "Now the Ducks are over there!"

Outcomes

RED Wins "RED grabbed the most Ducks! RED wins!" "You got the most Ducks, RED! You win!" BLU wins "BLU grabbed the most Ducks! BLUE wins!"

Falling Platforms

Setup

"Falling Platforms!" "Welcome, to Falling Platforms! (laughter)" "Welcome to a game I call: Falling Platforms! (evil laughter)" "One of these platforms won't plunge you to to your doom! (cackling)" "One of these platforms will be your salvation! The others will plunge you to your doom!" "Only one of these platforms won't plunge you to your death! Can you find it in time? If I were you, I'd give it a shot!" "All but one of these platforms will fall into the abyss below you! But which one? (laughter) If the fall doesn't kill you, the suspense will!" "Welcome to a game I call "Falling Platforms" for a reason that is shrouded in mystery. But will soon be very...very incredibly obvious!" "The goal of this game is simple: one of these platforms...won't plummet you to your doom! The others...will plummet your to your doom!" "These aren't normal platforms, mortals! All of them...are evil! Except for one! Which is nice! The evil ones will plunge you to your doom! The nice one...will remain stationary!" "None of these platforms will suddenly plunge you to your death! You're perfectly safe! Drive slowly mortals and chat amongst yourselves!"

Safe Platform revealed

"Go, go, go, go! It's that one!" "There, that one! Go, go, go, go!" "There! There, there, there, there, there, there!" "Oh there! That one! That one! THAT ONE!" "Oh, it's that one! Go, go, go, go, go!" "AH! That one! Go! Go, go, go!" "There it is! Hurry you fools! Hurry!" "There is it! Hurry you fools, hurry!" "Ooh! There! That one! That one!"

Overtime

"You all win! At failing! Time to die mortals!" "The Headless Horseless Horsemann!" "The Headless Horseless Horsemann, everyone!" "Kill them all, Horsemann!" "Enough! I summon the Headless! Horseless! Horsemann!" "Kill them all, Horsemann!"

Soccer

Setup

RED "Bumper Cars Soccer!" "Bumper Cars Soccer, everyone!" "Bumper Cars Soccer! Awoo!" "(evil laughter) Bumper Cars Soccer!" "Ancient Sumerian Bumper Cars Soccer!" "The time has come! For Ancient Sumerian Bumper Car Death Soccer!" "Welcome to Soccer, mortals! Or as we call it in the dark realms before time: Sumerian Rules Bumpy Car Football!" "Bumper Cars Soccer! The most diabolical game in history. Invented by the Ancient Sumerian Circus Association as a way to keep score...of being evil!"

Goal

RED "RED scores a goal!" "RED scores!" "Goal for RED!" "GOAL for RED!" "Ah ha ha ha ha! Goal for RED!" BLU "BLU scores a goal!" "BLU scores!" "GOAL for BLU!" "Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Goal for BLU!" "Na ha ha! Goal for BLU!" Deciding point "Goal for RED...disgusting goal!" "Goal for BLU...disgusting goal!"

Overtime

RED "Kill them all, Horsemann! (laughter)" "Horsemann! Wrap this up!" "Death to all of you! Death, by Horsemann!" "Prepare to die, mortals! By the hands of the Horsemann!" "I summon the Headless Horseless Horsemann, to kill you all for my amusement! And I'm not amused easily, so he's really going to slaughter the Hell out of you! Oh, this is going to get dark, everyone!" "You're taking longer to kill each other than Merasmus hoped. So I made some phone calls! Kill them all, Horsemann!" "No, this is taking too long! Say hello to an old friend of mine: the Headless Horseless Horsemann, everybody!" "It's the Headless Horseless Horsemann, everybody! The star of Scream Fortress 2! No autographs or flash photography, please. He's just here to kill you!" "The Headless Horseless Horsemann, everyone! (claps) Give it up. (claps) Give it up." "What's that I hear? Is it the clip-clop of haunted hooves? No! It's the terrifying, completely foot-generated clomping of the Horseless Headless Horsemann!"

Outcomes

Overtime

"This is taking too long!" "You bore Merasmus! Time to make this more interesting!" "Alright, let's finish this! Merasmus is...getting a little bored watching you!" "Alright, this is getting embarrassing! Merasmus is a busy wizard!" "I see in my crystal ball that you will never win this game!"

Win

RED Wins "RED wins!" "RED wins!" "RED wins!" "RED wins! Ha ha ha!" BLU Wins "BLU wins!" "BLU wins!" "BLU WINS!" "BLU wins! Awoo!"

All players on other team have been ghostified

"You win! Everyone else is dead!" "You've killed everyone on the other team! Good stuff, guys! Merasmus is...getting a little misty here." "So instead of winning the game honestly, you just killed everyone on the other team! This is...Merasmus is so proud of you right now!" "You win! Everyone is dead!" "You win! By murder!" "You win! By murder!"

Stalemate

"Wait, all of you died? You have got to be kidding Merasmus!" "Fools! You've murdered yourselves to a stalemate!" "You lose!" "You lose!" "You lose!" "You...lose! (laughter)" "You lose!"